Ægrus Somnium

isn’t my vacant tooth hole damn sexy, don’t you just wanna stick your tongue in the void and lick it, c’mon, you know ya wanna

ok, so i got really tired of using condoms and we’ve both agreed on only having one kid so i set out in search of another method aside from getting my boys snipped and i stumbled on this little device called an iud. i called a doctors office and the assholes must not accept my insurance because they just hung up on me, pricks, so next best thing, the almighty ebay. i ordered myself an iud and figured this couldn’t be to hard to do, and yes, i read all the sellers reviews and he had 50,000+ sales and 98.8 rating so he is a very trusted seller so i felt more then safe ordering it. this is the one i purchased (photo taken from his ebay page:

can’t remember the company that put it out, but it doesn’t really matter, now i understand that these kill sperm on contact or something to that effect so in order for them to work the sperm must come in contact with them so sensible way that it could work is to be inserted into my urethra, and looking at the thing and with just a little common sense you can tell the arms flex down and it has a string to remove it once its time frame runs out (which to my understanding is like 5 years or something). ok, so first of all, this thing was fucking painful as hell to insert, make sure your not flapping in the breeze or it’s not going in, and it felt like it was tearing all the way in, thats when things felt wrong, the thing had no give so thats portion stayed stiff. when i needed to urinate it burned and bled bad, aside from that i had to force it out due to the thing nearly plugging my urethra shut, imagine back to when you where a kid and played with a hose, you’d put your thumb over the end to get more pressure and spray it further, it’s kinda like that, so now i literally have no aim and there’s bloody urine splatters all over the wall until i find out which direction it’s coming out and can then aim. now the very worst part, it’s fucking stuck, the arm’s are like fucking fish hooks, like an anchor, sure they flexed down to go in but its like and umbrella it can go up a chimney down but can’t go down a chimney up, it’s horrible, i tried a quick tug and nearly passed out and bled horribly for a while. i’m a bit embarrassed to go to the doctors, i’m thinking maybe a twisting motion as i pull may keep the arms at bay, i’m really not sure, or maybe a straw to slide up around it thats slightly wider and perhaps it’ll go around the arms, either way fucking avoid these things and just stick with a condom, who the fuck invented this death trap, jesus.