Ægrus Somnium

Too many people our age act like they should be our parent or grandparents’ ages. Blame it on the economy, blame it on a shitty childhood that forced you to grow up before you were allowed a childhood, teen pregnancy, or politics, it doesn’t matter. The point is, people are acting older than they chronologically are and actually developing physiological and mental maladies. Not only does that drive up the cost of healthcare but it also makes you completely unbearable and a burden to those that may have stayed in your life for the long haul.

I was contemplating with a friend at what point I started to feel like an adult and I smugly answered “I still don’t feel like an adult.” I thought about it and even though I go through spells of being tired, feeling old and yucky, I still for the most part feel like I kid and not a 30 year old mother. I still watch massive amounts of cartoons, hang out with friends, listen to music and sing along in the car loudly and with vigor to the annoyance or entertainment of the other drivers around me, and love video games and nerf guns (our family has a cache of several).

So in thinking about this I have discovered that there is a magical cure to staying young, beautiful, and vibrant and avoid becoming the crust that everyone cuts off. I present to you the 3 F’s of youth: Forts, Farts, and Finger Foods. That’s right kids. Let’s take a journey.

Forts – NEVER get old, can be made of ANY materials around the house and are suitable indoors or outdoors, with or without children, and provide hours of fun no matter how old you are.

Farts – I don’t care how old you are, how sophisticated you think you are or what your status is, you fart and it is fucking hilarious. Farts are and will always be funny. Once you admit that truth to yourself, you will unleash a beautiful relationship with your sense of humor that is unpredictable, uninhibited, and taboo, all of the things that make life worth living all thanks to a natural bodily function that is given a bad rep by adults.

Finger Foods – Chicken fingers, wings, sushi, french fries, whatever, if you can eat it sans silverware then it is fun and if it is messy it’s even better! When did it become such an unthinkable act to use your hands to eat? Human beings have the most washable surfaces next to synthetic fibers; it’s ok to get a little dirty.

There it is the secret to youth in an easy, fun size package. Now get the fuck off my lawn.

It seems that we have lost touch with what is considered intelligence and what is complete and utter chaotic bullshit. The rapid decline of intelligence in this and many other countries is not because of a single source but a multitude of complex and intertwining social impairments that are aiding and abetting our technowhorish lifestyles. For instance, people are far more likely to repost someone else’s sensationalized bullshit theories about politics and religion (and likely without reading the entire statement) on a social networking site than they are to legitimately research the subject and actually pose a query or hypothesis on their own. Now let’s not completely demonize the human race, some of you will do some research. However, I am not confident that it ever became acceptable to cite Wikipedia, tmz.com, and fox news as legitimate educational resources. I know if I tried to use any of those as sources in grad school, my ass would be in front of an academic council faster than the panties fly on Jersey Shore. And for those of you quick witted ones out there, yes I capitalized Jersey Shore and not fox news, I actually think Snooki may have more to offer than megyn kelly. Also, we as a culture are far more entertained by televised train wrecks, people in desperate situations, and dramatic tragedies than we are anything with actual substance like oh I don’t know our families? People would rather spend a night watching people’s lives come unglued on camera than spend time with loved ones. Are we so jaded as a culture that we are predisposed to feeding off of the misery of others just to get through our own miserable existences? This is what we have become, hungry for tragedy, feeding off of human suffering, and non-stop complaining about what we are unhappy with but not willing to do much more than bitch about it on facebook and ruin the newsfeeds of otherwise happy and socially lethargic people.

So what can be done to remedy this? For one, watch some real tv. Fuck whacha heard, Discovery channel only uses the really big words sometimes and the programming is really interesting. Also, books only hurt people when they are thrown by another person. If you read one it can only make you a better person. But most importantly, if you are going to open the wormhole into debating on facebook or any other social networking arena with some contrived half-assed opus about government, religion or another dinnertime taboo, remember some key points:

Research your topic – if you just “repost,” depend on fox news, fundamentalist websites, or any other resources that are not obligated to report facts or are strictly opinion based, then you are not only an idiot but will be forever cached in the annuls of the internet as a moron to boot.

Don’t write a check your ass can’t cash – If you can’t argue your points intelligently keep your mouth shut. People will test your knowledge of your topic especially people like myself and the Rev. and we LOVE morons. One surefire way to tell when someone hasn’t researched their argument and has no leg to stand on is when they resort to verbally attacking the person they are debating. When that occurs and out of nowhere you are a n00b and your mom is a whore….you my friend, have won.

Lastly, avoid becoming the victim of Godwin’s Law – If your argument for any debate involves Hitler and Nazi Germany but the context of the argument itself is not about WWII, you have just proven that you either have no common sense of your own, you lack evidence to substantiate any actual evidence of your argument, or you are some kind of sheep to a predetermined cause and at that point we bid adieu.

Maybe someday, after Apple creates and programs our new jesus christ and 5G bible, we will begin to understand what drives us as a population to social insanity. Until then, keep looking forward to Jersday, I am sure someone will pray for you.

It’s wedding season and those of us that have to go or be in one are slitting our throats but there are some of you who are excitedly creating this hell for the rest of us.

So you are getting married, or maybe thinking of getting married…or maybe you are one of those obsessive cat ladies that creep out potential suitors with your compulsive wedding banter because your biological clock is taking over where you psychological balance has ceased to exist.  Whatever the sitch, it’s on your mind and with the economy going to shit faster than the religious credibility of thousands of bankrupt Rapture defeatists, financing your wedding will definitely be your main focus.  It will be, even though your main focus should be the happiness and new life you are creating with your partner…but you can’t bullshit a bullshitter.

In planning my wedding I learned some very helpful and solid ways to cope with wedding budgeting that you may not find on normal blogs, magazines, or from the mouths of all those middle-aged wedding harpies who will badger you with advice and tell you what you SHOULD do and NEED to have at your wedding to make it more like their now defunct marriage celebration 800 years ago so that when you ultimately stray from their advice they can get so pissed off about it they actually contemplate not going to your wedding, declare it a disaster, but do go for the free food and cake.

1. Don’t give a shit. Seriously! Why freak out over every little thing that goes wrong or doesn’t go your way? Yes there are some things that will go wrong and need attention but nothing is worth the Bridezilla melodrama because you know what that proves? You are an intolerable spoiled asshole, everyone feels sorry for your soon-to-be husband or wonders how he can be so stupid, and they all secretly hope something really goes wrong to teach you a lesson or take squares on when your marriage will inevitably fail.  That’s how people roll. Relax and enjoy the planning and let things roll off, always have a plan z because no one feels bad for you.

2. Think outside your wedding box! Having what you want doesn’t have to be black and white and it doesn’t have to cost a lot, especially when it comes to favors. When you are looking for types of boxes, ribbons, etc. think about it not as a bride but as a normal person.  For example, I wanted Chinese take out boxes for my Asian themed wedding.  At wedding and favor stores and sites they wanted 1.50-3.00 per box. Fuck that! I needed 150 boxes!  So I thought about it not as a bride but as if I were in need of supplies for my Chinese food restaurant, where do they get their boxes from? They surely don’t pay that much per box or they wouldn’t make you take the free pint of rice no one ever wants. I ordered them from a site called Paper Mart and paid less than $25 for the entire order! Things that are made explicitly for weddings are marked up dramatically because they are bending over the bride and that’s not fair to the groom. So be creative, because your reception will inevitably take up at least 50% of your total budget so save where you can.

3. Trunk Shows and Mailing Lists Rock! Creepy or cunning, most girls fall in love with their potential wedding dress well before they are even engaged and in many cases the dress is haute couture, unavailable because they haven’t made it since you were 16 years old, or very overpriced and we end up settling for what looks good or what can be affordable. Why not still be in love with a dress?  If you have a favorite dress then stalk it like you did your soon-to-be husband! Sign up for the mailing lists of the designers you love because most of them have trunk shows that travel to authorized dealers seasonally. These trunk shows usually have the entire collection available to try on and if you put a percentage down on your dream dress during the trunk show, you will get a HUGE discount on your dress! I saved over $400 on my dream dress and didn’t have to settle for shit.  Also, don’t be afraid to look for dresses in unconventional places. Many designers make prom and quinceanera collections and sometimes those are more extravagant and fun than boring white wedding dresses.

4. Make your wedding reflect who you are as a couple. Don’t cave in to the harpies! Unless your dream wedding is a perfectly traditional and lame affair then have fun boring the shit out of your guests, they will forget about it eventually. However, if you are looking to be a little more memorable, try adding touches of who you and your partner are. Things from your home like pictures, favorite keepsakes, etc. make perfect editions to weddings and they are free! Even though I had an Asian themed wedding my husband added his flair to our sweetheart table by draping our Jolly Roger Pirate Flag in the front and my happy Buddhas sat on the top of the table. Everyone loved the decor, it was free because we owned them and it added warmth to the reception. So if you are a Redneck, embrace it with beer can pyramids and a few hundred of your closest sister wives! If you are into the Jersey fad well then kudos, you have already done everything as cheaply as possible!

5. Don’t be lazy, if you want it done right do it yourself! Centerpieces, favors, invitations, even the bouquets and other small trinkets can be handmade or produced mostly on your own at very little expense.  Invitations that are professionally printed not only cost A LOT but also waste a LOT of paper, they are very environmentally costly because of all the stupid little envelopes and metallic trim that make them impossible to recycle.  Printing your own is one way to not only save money but you can control the type of card stock used and its environmental impact.  We used recycled card stock with a very pretty cherry blossom print. As luck would have it, the pattern was on clearance so with the ink for our printer and stamps the total cost for our invitations was about $30. Because of the environmental focus, not caring to keep track of more paper, and not wanting to spend more on stamps, we did not do return envelopes for replies.  We saved money by giving our guests two ways to reply:  By phone and via a special email address that we had set up just for RSVPs. People loved the email and preferred this method to calling or sending back reply cards because much of our combined family are anti-social telephobes and confessed their inevitable irresponsibility because they were sure they would have lost the reply cards which would have resulted in last minute RSVPs, wasted money on postage and more dead trees = shitty karma.

6. Put those bitches to work! Nothing says cheap labor like a bridesmaid.  Everything you plan to do yourself can be accomplished with the blood, sweat, and tears of your bridal party, it’s in their job description and they work for food and cheap wine! Bang the drum and make them earn that ugly dress (we all know you did it on purpose you catty bitch)!

7. Call in Favors! Finally, don’t be afraid to call in those favors! If you know a DJ, remind him that he is banging your sister and a great present would be to do your wedding for free. Know someone that works for lawyers? That means that they are chummy with judges and justices too that can marry you on the DL for cheap if you aren’t into the Church thing. Related to someone with gorgeous, spacious property? Hit them up for a ceremony/reception in their yard then splurge on catering and Dior!

The hardest part about all of this is not really about the money but letting go of the fact that you are not sponsored by a broadcast company nor marrying into money so your dream wedding will not materialize into much more than a drool encrusted fantasy.  Keeping elements of that dream and making them the focal point of your wedding will however tie it all together and keep it memorable. No one wants to walk out of a wedding feeling like they wasted 5 hours of their lives, although we all do more than we care to admit. Thank Buddha for open bar!

You want to get the word out about your wedding early, so people can plan accordingly. There are many great companies that offer promotional products that you can give to everyone invited and these wont cost an arm and a leg.

New Year’s Day 2011, about 2pm. Phone conversation with my father.

Dad: Just think, everything sucked so bad last year this year can’t possibly get any worse.

Me: No shit, all that can happen now is something could potentially kill me and that would be doing me a favor and we can’t have that that would be too fucking convenient.

Dad: There ya go! See what a little positive thinking will do!

That exchange really happened, my dad is the shit. By the end of 2010 my life could be summed up as a very thin and very ugly looking frail and haggard thread that could snap at any second and send me spiraling into despair so deep that only a Sylvia Plath gas bath could cure. Unlike my terminally depressed life partner, I am not usually a particularly depressed or suicidal person. I am moody, morbid, and pleasantly pessimistic, meaning that I expect everything and anything to go wrong so I am never disappointed and when something goes right for a change I can appreciate it at face value. It was absolutely a shitty year. Fuck 2010. It gave me nothing but defeat, anxiety, depression, puffy eyes, 30lbs, a mean streak, terrible health, and left me with one less Golden Girl. Fuck strokes for taking Rue McClanahan away from me when she had so much more to give us in her twilight years. There were far more celebrities that were less important than she was that could have gone in her place; like anyone that had ever been cast in a Twilight movie, Sarah Palin or Chris Brown, for Christ sake kill that bastard before he breeds little douchebag woman abusing gay bashing pieces of shit. Just leave us Kanye West, he’s good to keep around for comic relief and I like his music. If you aren’t over him interrupting Taylor Swift you can take Rue McClanahan’s place too if you like and take Taylor and her 20 songs about the same fucking thing with you that bitch is annoying. Anyway back to me. In everything terrible that has happened to me personally and to the world globally with earthquakes, economic suicide and BP’s explosive diarrhea all over the gulf coast; I wish I could say I learned something meaningful but really all that was accomplished were affirmations. Indulge me won’t you?

1. This country really is only beneficial to you if you are an illegal alien, a minority, or dead weight. If you have an education, paid into the social security system and paid taxes and suddenly lose your job, you have to fight harder than anyone to survive. Fuck that. I have been trying to find any job now for over a year and have been told that I am “overqualified” more times than I care to hear. Translation, “we don’t want to pay you because we know that you know better so we will hire this uneducated asshole that we know will work twice as much as you for peanuts. Fuck off.”

2. People really do equal shit. This cannot be stressed enough. Seldom does one give a fuck about anyone. People do NOT want to help you as a rule. As much as they try to convince you and even themselves that they do, there is usually some underlying self-serving rationale to either gain something or boost their shitty karma. Family is the worst of the culprits. They will promise you sunshine and rainbows and no sooner shit down your throat and piss in your cornflakes. Family as an institution is no longer sacred but now an excuse to have cause to hurt people without just cause. Existential punching bags that are doomed to indentured servitude and emotional tithing for life merely because of whose vag was the slip n’ slide. As a result we have written off a fair amount of familial bullshit baggage in 2010.

3. No one ever does get out alive. We worked and worried ourselves sick wondering how we would get by, how we would pay this or pay that and how I would finish school and get us out of this hell we are living. We still can’t figure any of it out as we sink deeper into financial and emotional torment. In a week I may find out that I can’t finish school even though I only have one fucking semester left because I can’t find one bank that will lend me the last little bit of financial aid I need. But even if I do and we get out of this, what the fuck is it all for? By the time we finally can breath again we are still working to get by and everyday ticks by closing in on imminent death. When you look at it in the grand scheme of things, we are wasting our lives and it is our own fault. We created the people who oppress us, who keep us from being like them and being happy and we created our misery and for now there isn’t a god damned thing to be done about it.

So what can we do about 2011? First, I will take the “we” out because really, I don’t care what you do with it since I will probably hear or read about it on Facebook anyway. However, since I am too poor to have a vice drugs and alcohol are not viable options. If I am able to finish school I won’t have time for simple pleasures like meditation or video games but will get to those if I am forced to be a loser and quit school. I plan on keeping my pleasantly pessimistic outlook but trying to leave the rest behind, it hasn’t really suited me. I am not making any resolutions because that is too much pressure and my memory sucks anyway. All there is left for me to do is be more fierce and competitive than ever. I want it all and more than anyone because I have to. I am Veruca Fucking Salt now. However, if 2011 even thinks about claiming Betty White I cannot guarantee rational behavior on my part. I leave you now with the iconic words of Ke$ha. Yes I did say Ke$ha and she wrote them all by herself and everything:

Every single night we fight,
To get a little high on life.
To get a little something right, something real.
At least we try. Time after time.
Try dodging all the douche bags guys.
Try trading all the wasted times.
For something real, in this crazy life.

I noticed a friend liked (because we cannot be fans of anything anymore) The toilet paper goes OVER the roll when you replace it, not UNDER!  I laughed and thought that was absolutely absurd (as most Facebook pages are) and that only old people I knew or those with OCD of the Marc Summers variety have ever really made any kind of blatant argument that there is a rule to putting toilet paper on a roll.  Then, I saw the commercial for the new Cottonelle Roll Over.  This is apparently a really big deal and I couldn’t give a fuck less about it.  In fact, I am actually sickened that people make such a big deal about this kind of trivial bullshit. Really?  You are really going to bitch about toilet paper?!?  I found out I actually know people who will change the roll around at OTHER PEOPLE’S HOUSES!!! Side note* If anyone ever changes the roll direction on my toilet paper no matter what direction it is in, I will go to your house and give your toilet an upper decker, then you can use all of your “rolled over’ toilet paper to reach in and scoop it out   Is you life so fucking perfect and so free of worry that you can only find meaningless things to bitch about?  Whatever happened to getting pissed off at the Senators who spend all of our money fucking their secretaries and throwing them off of bridges, or that people are more than willing to donate to Haiti while children starve in our own country.  That is stuff worth fighting and bitching over.  We as a species get caught up in so much drama and circumstantial bullshit that we actually cause upon ourselves and forget what is truly important.  The worst realization about this is that the people who do this on a regular basis are likely those who are superbreeding, government leeches and the other percentage of that population has 10% of the world’s wealth and has the power to stop the terrible shit in the world that should matter.  But I digress, the world has gone to shit and Cottonelle is mass marketing and catering to the absurdity.  It’s really no wonder that when I mentioned the bad parenting in a Chef Boyardee commercial that just about everyone I talked to only noticed it after I said something >_< Epic fail for humanity.