Ægrus Somnium

has anyone caught the show “haunted collector” on syfy yet, damn this guy has a great racket going. if you have yet to see the show this john zaffis and his team of paranormal investigators help families who have hauntings by going into their houses and investigating to find the cause of the haunting, his theory is that the haunting is because a spirit or entity is attached to an object. now here’s where things get fishy, the first thing he generally asks about is antiques and heirlooms, ok, kinda makes sense, they’d have been around and collected lots of memories and such, now if your good, and I was hitting 100% you can tell at this point in the show what his going to swindle out of the poor person, generally just look for one of the more expensive antiques, and yeah, he’ll make sure he gets it. so they do a whole “investigation” and in one episode, I think it was the new episode from last night he went to this guys home and instantly locked onto a cane gun, and of course the emf chirps on it, but barely, and when they remove it from the wall which may have wiring in it nothing happens from the emf detectors, yet at the end of the show he says he doesn’t think the cane gun has anything to do with the haunting, yet still brings it to a gun dealer to get looked at, you see a little of it but you know he’s getting the fucker appraised, because he brings every other item to antique dealers and the like as well, he finds out it was made in france in 1870, then holy shit research turns up AFTER the appraisal that there was a shooting in 1870 with a cane gun in brooklyn and there was only a handful of cane guns in the area at the time of the shooting, and it just happens the owner picked the cane gun up at a swap meet in brooklyn, a lot of time has passed since 1870 buddy, you think that “handful” are the only ones around in brooklyn anymore?, but he wants it out of the house and gives it to john to put in his museum, in a quick search I snagged this snippet from a website:

“Gun canes are one of the most popular gadgets an antique collector can have in his or her cane collection.
Not only is the gun cane popular, but at a recent cane auction, a Remington gun cane from 1875 sold for more than $10,000!”

in another instance there was an antique heirloom musical jewelry box that had been passed down to this young woman and she was hearing bumps in the night, of course knowing anything about antiques he zeroed in on this because it had wood inlays and it was old making it $$$, so when he came back with an EVP from her mother just saying “purple flowers” he gave her this talk about just having this music box was opening doors to allow other entities in, what a con artist, it’s not like she’s dabbling with ouija boards, or occult shit here the god damned thing is just sitting there, she’s just hanging on to a family heirloom, so after the talk of opening the door and letting bad things in of course she hands it over for his museum, this guy is making bank and has all the people on film telling him to take their valuable items

i would like to wish everyone a happy thanksgiving but also remember to be careful, i lost a good friend a few years back on this day, due to his carelessness. there’s just simple steps you should take, a few simple things to remember, THE RULES ARE DIFFERENT FOR ZOMBIE TURKEYS!!!!! sadly my friend forgot this, he knew the basics, keep your eyes opened, never go into a building that doesn’t have at least 3 more exits, don’t just carry a gun bring a machete (i have a machete but tend to use a full tang sword most of the time, i like style points). now turkeys rising on thanksgiving happens quite often, would you like to be butchered en masse with friends and family, then suffer the shame of being stripped and paraded down conveyor belts naked, while your friends and family, and your friends friends and family are suffering the same fate all around you, just to be air tight packaged, unwrapped and tossed in an oven at some assholes house, fuck no. ok, back to the topic at hand, my friend left his machete out with his gear in the truck and only had his gun on him, in some cases this could be all right, plenty of exits out, but ONE FUCKING PROBLEM turkeys you buy HAVE NO FUCKING HEADS how you gonna aim for NO FUCKING HEAD. so this thanksgiving day please be sure to keep a blade handy, a machete, a meat cleaver, in my case my katana, well actually probably my machete, hard to swing the katana in the kitchen. now if that little bastard rises they are quick and they use their weight as a weapon, 20+ pounds flying at your head is no fun so ruin it’s day with a blade, you need to hack the shit out of it, get it’s wings off, get it’s legs off, stop it’s mobility as soon as possible. now some people still choose to eat them, i highly, HIGHLY, advise against this, it’s fucking infected meat, granted there’s no blood but still, anyway, i recommend taking it out back and burning it all or a garbage disposal, something to completely decimate the remains. so remember be careful and have a safe thanksgiving.

so i’m sitting here minding my own business and bam, like a horse biting your testes, two faces pop in my head and i’m just like holy fuck, thats uncanny, could it be they’re the same person, so i googled up some images and it’s still uncanny how much they look alike, so i’m trying to figure this out and then i realize whats going on, heath ledger is a fucking vampire, he acts for a bit, builds up some money, fakes his death and takes off living off the large some of money he made, then he resurfaces years later and does it all again, sneaky little bastard, ok, here’s the two images that popped in my head, first, from the movie the warriors (1979), great movie btw, if you haven’t seen it your gay, and if your a chic, you just dumb:

now look closely at the main characters face, look familiar, yeah, i thought so too, now for comparison:

you see that shit, he’s a fucking vampire, so you just wait 30 or so years and you’ll see another actor that looks like him appearing in movies again, you just wait and see

ok, can’t even remember if i bitched about this yet but it’s been bugging me and even if i have bitched about it it still bugs me, there’s a marathon on of this show right now, thwe real name is paranormal state in case you didn’t catch the oh so clever pun above, and the obvious homosexual main character, anyways, here’s why i hate this show, and why it sucks, he always talks through the fucking tape recorder and it’s annoying, they all seem to be the most amazing fucking psychics and always bring with them this fucking psychic who looks like a fucking turtle with glases and believe every little word he says “you smell that, the spirit farted letting us know of his presence, he must be a strong spirit”, it’s ridiculous, but i’m going to list the three major reason’s why this show sucks and is a fucking joke:

1. there’s never any fucking proof, once in a while they may be lucking enough to have some weird ass obscure sound on evp or for some reason their motiong sensor may go off, but of course they’re not smart enough to ever have, oh, lets just say a $200 camcorder sitting in that room as well, no, they just all go running up there and scare the shit out of the cat that probably made it go off then obviously here noises in a closet in another room of the terrified cat trying to hide

2. they base almost every fucking thing off of feelings, no equimpment of any sorts, ooooi feel a cold spot near this drafting window, i feel a cold spot near this open refrigerator, i feel a cold draft near the bottom of this door, must be a fucking ghost, omg the floor creaked, it’s a fucking ghost, i must speak into the tape recorder to sound cool (his boyfriend probably told him it sounded sexy and mysterious)

3. he tries to do all these catholic rituals to expel ghosts, and al these prayers, here’s the problem with this, you need to be totaly devout in your faith, and a really strong dedicated believer for this kind of stuff to work , if indeed it works at all right, well, he allows a girl on his team to do pagan rituals as well, so if he believes pagan rituals will possibly work as well then his allowing the belief of other gods into his mind as well which in turn destroys his faithfulness in the catholic religion which again in turn negates all power his possibly prayers may have::insert an intense duh duh duuuuuuuuuuu noise here::

so damaged and i were out in the woods on some trail near a swamp in a town that smelled like human feces, like the whole fucking town, it was wretched, these people need to learn of toilets and stop shitting in their yards, anyways, as we were going through the woods we heard some odd noises, one being the atari bird, no idea what kind of bird it was but the sound it made sounded like an old atari games audio, very odd, and of course we heard the typical forest sounds which at first we confused for common woodland creatures til we listened closely and realized it was the sound of burt reynolds stalking through the undergrowth, we spent quite a bit of the walk out trying to decipher the fact from the urban legends that are Burt Reynolds and the following article, straight from our conversation was typed up by damaged who has a better memory then myself, this article is to the best of our knowledge the most comprehensive list of facts to date:

“Have you ever been alone? Not alone in an emotional sense. But alone. All by yourself, trekking through the woods. You hear nothing but the birds, the crickets, other animals making noise here and there around you. Every now and then it gets silent. Nothing. Not even the wind. You get that feeling…

You feel eyes staring you down. The thought of another person there with you. You feel you have company, yet you’re all alone. You feel them watching, waiting. Waiting for you to let your guard down. Waiting to ambush you, deep in the woods, where no one can hear you. You think to yourself, “That’s nonsense. I’m fine out here”. You take a look over your shoulder. “There’s no one here but me. There’s nothing to be afraid of”.

Or so you think, until you hear it…

Dueling Banjos.

This is…

The Legend of Burt Reynolds

Chapter 1: The Beginning

It’s rumored that it all began about half a decade ago, when local residents of Berlin NY started reporting the sound of Dueling Banjos around the same time period as numerous disappearances. The locals believed these people to not just be missing, but to of been murdered, though bodies have never been found. No one really knows what happens when he catches you. Anyone who’s ever run into him has not come back to tell the tale.

Clearly, I speak of the one and only Burt Reynolds.

Little is known about Burt’s past, but here are some facts about the true beginning. The beginning of the end, for anyone unfortunate enough to be caught wondering the woods at night.

Now, Burt Reynolds was born in 1945, and upon his birth ended World War II with his very presence. His parents are unknown, though because he was born fully grown it is believed his father was the demi-god Ronnie James Dio.

Burt Reynolds started his film career in 1955. He starred in many movies that, at the time were deemed too violent for cinema and were discarded. Remakes of them have since been filmed with a new cast. You may have seen numerous remakes of his movies such as Commando, First Blood, The Terminator, Deliverance, Predator, and Dawn of the Dead.

After years of trying to tone down his violent roles, he finally accomplished moving on to movies and Television that made it on air. Little did most people know he hated these roles, and only did it for the money. Behind Burt’s mustache, a storm was brewing.

He followed this career for years before disappearing without a trace. Little was known at the time about his location, and it remained this way for years. Until one night, a man from Berlin NY met his fate at the hands of Burt Reynolds. One by one, others began disappearing.

Chapter 2: What you need to know to survive (longer than you normally would)

Burt Reynolds is more than a myth, he’s a legend. A god, if you will. Knowing this, one could not expect to survive an encounter. However with this information you could prolong your life.

Burt waits for you. He watches you, eyeballs you from the forest. The rustle of leaves. The waves on the swamp water. It’s all his subtle movements, disguised as natures critters. He plans the perfect time to strike.

Burt hunts you much like a velociraptor. You hear a noise, you peek into the bushes and see nothing. You breathe a sigh of relief and turn to your left, only to see him staring back at you. Inches away, smiling like the Cheshire Cat under his mustache. Frozen, you hear it. The opening to dueling banjos as you make eye contact. You turn and run, and the song kicks in full. The chase has begun.

Burt smothers his body with vaseline before hunting. He chases you, slathered in it, slipping in between tree trunks and branches gaining on you little by little. He leaps over hills and trees like an Olympic runner, slinging vaseline at your feet trying to slip you up. By now, if you’ve made it past the vaseline trap, you feel like you’ve got a good chance. That’s what you think, until you hear the slapping.

The slapping is deafening, getting louder and louder, and right when you think it’s on top of you… a tree root trips you up! Laying on the ground, accepting defeat, you stare up as Burt stands over you, bruises all over his chest and thighs from his dangling manparts slapping himself with sonic force as he gives chase. Most never get past this stage. This is the end of the line.

(Note: It is rumored that Burt cannot leave the forest. Should you see the edge of the forest, run for it. If you make it, it’s said that you can look back and see Burt smiling at you, pounding on his invisible prison like a mime in heat.)

However, some rumor that there is a trick in slowing Burt down. No one is quite sure what it is, but it forces Burt to rely on his ultimate pursuit force…

Chapter 3: The Nautical Lobster

If you manage to escape Burts grasp initially, you may wear him down enough to lose him in the woods. Don’t think you’re safe yet, as he has one more trick up his sleeve.

The Nautical Lobster is Burt’s trusty steed. Only once has this ever been captured on film. Below is video proof of the existance of this magical beast:

As you can see, it hovers off the ground, enabling travel at speeds far beyond that of a Lexus. FACT: George Lucas’s Star Wars Episode 1 used Burt’s Lobster as an inspiration for their “Pod Racers”. Atop his lobster he can smash through the forest unhindered, clipping trees down with it’s claws as his member slaps it’s crustatious back. Should he come to an obstacle blocking the movement of his lobster, or if you manage to get distance between you and good ol’ Burt, he slams on the breaks of his Lobster. This acts like a catapult, as his vaselined body slides off the lobster smooth as silk, still in the seated position, taking a new mount: YOU.

The wrap up:

What happens after is anyone’s guess. Does he eat you? Rape you? Feed you to his unicorns? No one quite knows his wicked ways. All we know is that if you get caught, you’re never coming back.”

be afraid of the darkness within the woods, be very afraid, and isn’t that footage amazing, got that on my HD camera, barely got any of the footage back, when we arrived at the edge of the forest the cam was knocked to the ground and covered in vaseline, the lens was shattered having been violated by Burt, for safety reasons I was forced to edit out the background and the poor victim whom he pursued