I was contemplating with a friend at what point I started to feel like an adult and I smugly answered “I still don’t feel like an adult.” I thought about it and even though I go through spells of being tired, feeling old and yucky, I still for the most part feel like I kid and not a 30 year old mother. I still watch massive amounts of cartoons, hang out with friends, listen to music and sing along in the car loudly and with vigor to the annoyance or entertainment of the other drivers around me, and love video games and nerf guns (our family has a cache of several).

So in thinking about this I have discovered that there is a magical cure to staying young, beautiful, and vibrant and avoid becoming the crust that everyone cuts off. I present to you the 3 F’s of youth: Forts, Farts, and Finger Foods. That’s right kids. Let’s take a journey.

Forts – NEVER get old, can be made of ANY materials around the house and are suitable indoors or outdoors, with or without children, and provide hours of fun no matter how old you are.

Farts – I don’t care how old you are, how sophisticated you think you are or what your status is, you fart and it is fucking hilarious. Farts are and will always be funny. Once you admit that truth to yourself, you will unleash a beautiful relationship with your sense of humor that is unpredictable, uninhibited, and taboo, all of the things that make life worth living all thanks to a natural bodily function that is given a bad rep by adults.

Finger Foods – Chicken fingers, wings, sushi, french fries, whatever, if you can eat it sans silverware then it is fun and if it is messy it’s even better! When did it become such an unthinkable act to use your hands to eat? Human beings have the most washable surfaces next to synthetic fibers; it’s ok to get a little dirty.

There it is the secret to youth in an easy, fun size package. Now get the fuck off my lawn.

p.s. – I intentionally did not link to the article so as not to give them back links and boost their site, you’ll have to search for it yourself

ADDENDUM

it seem’s fox news has pulled the article so if you can’t find it here’s the article in full:

“Inside the Mind of Chaz Bono
By Dr. Keith Ablow
Published May 17, 2011 | FoxNews.com

Chastity Bono, the daughter of Cher and Sonny Bono, has undergone gender reassignment surgery and now asserts she [that’s right, she] is a man. She now wants to be called Chaz.

She has written a tell-all entitled Transition: The Story of How I Became a Man, and has appeared on “The David Letterman Show” and “Oprah.” A documentary about her journey called Becoming Chaz premiered on Oprah’s OWN network. I know my thoughts on this matter will be politically incorrect, but they are entirely biologically and psychiatrically accurate.

First, Chaz Bono is not a man. She is a woman who has undergone radical surgeries and is taking male hormones in order to look like a man. That isn’t a political position, it’s a biological reality. Chaz Bono wants to be thought of as male, but she is not male.

You may disagree with me on philosophical grounds, arguing that behaving like a man and feeling like a man is tantamount to being a man, but that argument does nothing to change the biological reality.

Second, while Chaz Bono may now feel that her journey toward self-acceptance has ended, I am not convinced. I say this because, absent the gender politics involved, I was taught to consider Chaz Bono’s contention that she is male as a psychotic delusion—a fixed and false belief.

Psychosis is not a predictor of long-term emotional well-being or stability.

Mind you, I am not judging Ms. Bono. But there is nothing substantially different from a woman believing she is a man than there is about a woman believing she is a CIA agent being followed by the KGB (when in reality, she is, say, a salesperson at J. Crew).

Very few people, if any, would suggest that the proper treatment for such a woman would be to have the Central Intelligence Agency make her an honorary agent and hire a few former KGB agents to chase her around town. While that “treatment” might make her more comfortable for a while, bending reality to conform to a person’s psychosis just wouldn’t be a good idea. For one thing, it would make us all lose our sense of what is real and true. For another, it would simply perpetuate the woman’s underlying psychiatric illness.

Very few people, if any, would suggest that the way to treat someone who is petrified of death and insisting he is turning 16, not 61, would be to throw him a Sweet Sixteen party. Good psychiatrists, in particular, would be burrowing to the roots of the man’s discomfort with aging. If necessary, medications might be prescribed.

I once treated a woman who believed her children had been replaced by masquerading doubles and another who believed her parents could hear her thoughts through listening devices implanted in the walls. I did the hard work of getting to the bottom of those psychotic symptoms. I certainly didn’t hang up “Missing” posters with the first woman or start smashing holes in the walls of my office with the second.

Delusional disorders are notoriously difficult to treat. Paranoia (as in, the CIA example) can require extensive psychotherapy and anti-psychotic medication. Sometimes, that isn’t even enough. So you can imagine that believing you are a man when you are a woman could require even more vigorous and dedicated attempts to alleviate the psychotic person’s symptoms.

Is surgery to remove a woman’s breasts, close her vagina and create a makeshift penis for her really so very different (other than being far more permanent)? Is it really likely to yield a “cure” for a woman’s delusion that she is a man, or vice-versa? Does it really reach the depths of dissatisfaction, which create gender identity disturbances, to begin with?

I don’t think so.

I think Chaz Bono, who is, in fact, a woman, will not escape, through surgery or manipulation of hormones, suffering that is far more than skin deep.

Dr. Keith Ablow is a psychiatrist and member of the Fox News Medical A-Team. Dr. Ablow can be reached via email at info@keithablow.com and his team of Life Coaches can be reached via email at lifecoach@keithablow.com. You can also visit www.keithablow.com for more information.”

and there you have it

My turn…

Because I nearly choked on my coffee this morning when I read that disgusting piece of tabloid trash (which in and of itself is a sin…Thou shalt not soil nor spoil thine caffeinated life essence), not only did I feel the need to post it on Facebook for all to see and feel the squishy parts of their eyes melt along with mine. But I also felt compelled to write to the author to unleash my educated fury onto him and demonstrate how clearly his PhD must have been obtained with a Bazooka Joe catalog or 500 Mallo Cup points.

Keith Ablow or whomever is unfortunate enough to read his email for him:

I am absolutely appalled by your purely uneducated and bigoted opinion of Chaz Bono in your Fox News commentary. Children are not stupid creatures that need our pity and constant coddling.  They are intelligent people.  They are capable of compassion, love and above all understanding, especially if taught in a home filled with love and acceptance of all things big and small, gay or straight, transgendered or not.  Hate begets hate and it has nothing to do with God. It is really no wonder that Christians believe the end is coming, look at what people say about their God and his beliefs about his own creations. A true God would never hate what he created of his own image. I can imagine how disappointed and ashamed God must be in his creations for how they have sullied his teachings and killed and tortured and used the media to breed hate as you are doing. Children will not enter a state of gender panic from watching a television show, that is simply a moronic statement.  My daughter is 5 and has been to gay pride rallies. She knows the difference between a man and a woman, she can identify a man in drag and when she sees Chaz Bono she sees a man. There is no confusion and even at her age you know what, she accepts them all as people that’s the extent of it.  Adults are who put labels of hate and disgust on the LGBTQ community, not children. Children see the world and its’ people with love and equality, something you obviously know nothing about, and no amount of education will ever teach you that and I feel truly sorry for you and any other pathetic soul you may influence. May your God have mercy on your soul. As for me, my 5 year old, my husband and I will be watching DWTS, voting for Chaz Bono if he performs well, and supporting equality as fiercely as ever because people like you make it so necessary.  People like you are the real life monsters in this world, not the gays and lesbians and transgendered people trying to scratch out a living and make a niche for themselves in a society full of hate.

Sincerely,

“Gun canes are one of the most popular gadgets an antique collector can have in his or her cane collection.
Not only is the gun cane popular, but at a recent cane auction, a Remington gun cane from 1875 sold for more than $10,000!”

in another instance there was an antique heirloom musical jewelry box that had been passed down to this young woman and she was hearing bumps in the night, of course knowing anything about antiques he zeroed in on this because it had wood inlays and it was old making it $$$, so when he came back with an EVP from her mother just saying “purple flowers” he gave her this talk about just having this music box was opening doors to allow other entities in, what a con artist, it’s not like she’s dabbling with ouija boards, or occult shit here the god damned thing is just sitting there, she’s just hanging on to a family heirloom, so after the talk of opening the door and letting bad things in of course she hands it over for his museum, this guy is making bank and has all the people on film telling him to take their valuable items