Ægrus Somnium

it is the eve of the rapture and there is some very important stuff that should be known, and I feel I should be the one to tell those who don’t know, you know, being an ordained reverend and all it’s my place to do so. ok, so before tomorrow comes and you just sitting around talking to a friend and the clock strikes six and poof he’s gone, you should understand whats supposed to be going on,  this is to the best of my knowledge anyways, at 6pm, not sure what time zone god is going by here, is it still god or are we still throwing god out the window and saying jesus is a schizophrenic and his own father who yelled to himself while nailed to the cross? anyways, back on track, at 6pm all the non sinners, maybe even light sinners will poof and be whooshed away to the promised land and the sinners will remain for five more months until oct. 21 when god blows up the earth and universe, so all of you people stuck with me get to fucking rock out and party like its, well, not like, til the end of the world, rock on!, so here’s a list you NEED to read to be prepared

1. tonight and most of tomorrow, or at least from 5:30pm to 6 pray to all known gods, get a list from wiki it’s the most reliable source, why all, because every religion says it’s right and you DO NOT WANT TO BE ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE RAPTURE!

2. wear clean underwear, you don’t know where the fuck you going, you want to be presentable, bring an extra pair as well in case you shit yourself during the “whooshing”

3. harold camping who predicted the rapture will happen tomorrow predicted it would also happen in Sept. of ‘94 so if you really hold any faith in this and believe him and really honestly think he’s right then guess what, he was probably right back in ‘94 and we’re all sinners stuck here and he can’t handle the fact he was one of us sinners, which explains the new date, he’s hoping for a mulligan

now, my belief is that he accidently drank from the kool-aid meant for his followers before predicting this instead of drinking from his glass of water, but that’s just me, rev. halo signing off

addendum: i forgot to mention this, in camping’s rapture prediction, if someone died before the day of rapture, you will not be affected by the judgment, so the day of judgment finally comes but fuck off, you died too soon you dumb ass, you stay dead

so as I was getting out of the shower I was thinking of what to wear today, shorts or pants, it’s a bit chilly, then a shirt came to mind, my Clockwork Orange based “Moloko Vellocet” shirt, and then I started thinking about how so many people dislike the film and how they’re decision to dislike the film is mislead in a way, yeah that’s how my mind bounces around, but here’s why people are mislead. like, hoy shit I used a period, ok, anyways, like most movies they are based on bookies, so was A Clockwork Orange by Kubrick, by herein lies the problem his movie was based on the american version of the book NOT the true version of the book, the true version of the book has 21 chapters, the american version has 20, when the book came to america they decided to remove the last chapter to better suit the american audience, every other place in the world that got the book had the full book, now if you’ve seen the movie and not read the book, or read the book before we got the revised edition you know it ends with Alex still up to his old games, in the real ending his with his new “Droogs” and see’s his old gang grown up and moved on and realizes his wasted his whole life destroying things and people, and just gets up and leaves trying to think of how to move on and change, he finally get’s it and wants to live a real life, a bit  of a turn around for old Alex and a bit of remorse if you look, to me anyways, so there is your misconception, you were mislead because publishers in the states didn’t want america to have him grow up and change in the end

now, something a bit deeper about the ending, america is shit now, excuse me for saying so but let me explain, we coddle everyone now, kids can’t play games someone wins because another’s feelings may get hurt, no playing cops and robbers and making a gun out of your fingers in kindergarten, that may lead to a life of crime, wear pillows on the sides of your head in case you fall and go boom, now look at the way it was when that book came out in the 60’s, they took out the fucking chapter where he learns his lesson and left him as a villain, a rapist killer because america would like it better, I’m not saying that’s what we need but when did everything need to be pre-chewed and spit in our mouths so we shouldn’t choke

New Year’s Day 2011, about 2pm. Phone conversation with my father.

Dad: Just think, everything sucked so bad last year this year can’t possibly get any worse.

Me: No shit, all that can happen now is something could potentially kill me and that would be doing me a favor and we can’t have that that would be too fucking convenient.

Dad: There ya go! See what a little positive thinking will do!

That exchange really happened, my dad is the shit. By the end of 2010 my life could be summed up as a very thin and very ugly looking frail and haggard thread that could snap at any second and send me spiraling into despair so deep that only a Sylvia Plath gas bath could cure. Unlike my terminally depressed life partner, I am not usually a particularly depressed or suicidal person. I am moody, morbid, and pleasantly pessimistic, meaning that I expect everything and anything to go wrong so I am never disappointed and when something goes right for a change I can appreciate it at face value. It was absolutely a shitty year. Fuck 2010. It gave me nothing but defeat, anxiety, depression, puffy eyes, 30lbs, a mean streak, terrible health, and left me with one less Golden Girl. Fuck strokes for taking Rue McClanahan away from me when she had so much more to give us in her twilight years. There were far more celebrities that were less important than she was that could have gone in her place; like anyone that had ever been cast in a Twilight movie, Sarah Palin or Chris Brown, for Christ sake kill that bastard before he breeds little douchebag woman abusing gay bashing pieces of shit. Just leave us Kanye West, he’s good to keep around for comic relief and I like his music. If you aren’t over him interrupting Taylor Swift you can take Rue McClanahan’s place too if you like and take Taylor and her 20 songs about the same fucking thing with you that bitch is annoying. Anyway back to me. In everything terrible that has happened to me personally and to the world globally with earthquakes, economic suicide and BP’s explosive diarrhea all over the gulf coast; I wish I could say I learned something meaningful but really all that was accomplished were affirmations. Indulge me won’t you?

1. This country really is only beneficial to you if you are an illegal alien, a minority, or dead weight. If you have an education, paid into the social security system and paid taxes and suddenly lose your job, you have to fight harder than anyone to survive. Fuck that. I have been trying to find any job now for over a year and have been told that I am “overqualified” more times than I care to hear. Translation, “we don’t want to pay you because we know that you know better so we will hire this uneducated asshole that we know will work twice as much as you for peanuts. Fuck off.”

2. People really do equal shit. This cannot be stressed enough. Seldom does one give a fuck about anyone. People do NOT want to help you as a rule. As much as they try to convince you and even themselves that they do, there is usually some underlying self-serving rationale to either gain something or boost their shitty karma. Family is the worst of the culprits. They will promise you sunshine and rainbows and no sooner shit down your throat and piss in your cornflakes. Family as an institution is no longer sacred but now an excuse to have cause to hurt people without just cause. Existential punching bags that are doomed to indentured servitude and emotional tithing for life merely because of whose vag was the slip n’ slide. As a result we have written off a fair amount of familial bullshit baggage in 2010.

3. No one ever does get out alive. We worked and worried ourselves sick wondering how we would get by, how we would pay this or pay that and how I would finish school and get us out of this hell we are living. We still can’t figure any of it out as we sink deeper into financial and emotional torment. In a week I may find out that I can’t finish school even though I only have one fucking semester left because I can’t find one bank that will lend me the last little bit of financial aid I need. But even if I do and we get out of this, what the fuck is it all for? By the time we finally can breath again we are still working to get by and everyday ticks by closing in on imminent death. When you look at it in the grand scheme of things, we are wasting our lives and it is our own fault. We created the people who oppress us, who keep us from being like them and being happy and we created our misery and for now there isn’t a god damned thing to be done about it.

So what can we do about 2011? First, I will take the “we” out because really, I don’t care what you do with it since I will probably hear or read about it on Facebook anyway. However, since I am too poor to have a vice drugs and alcohol are not viable options. If I am able to finish school I won’t have time for simple pleasures like meditation or video games but will get to those if I am forced to be a loser and quit school. I plan on keeping my pleasantly pessimistic outlook but trying to leave the rest behind, it hasn’t really suited me. I am not making any resolutions because that is too much pressure and my memory sucks anyway. All there is left for me to do is be more fierce and competitive than ever. I want it all and more than anyone because I have to. I am Veruca Fucking Salt now. However, if 2011 even thinks about claiming Betty White I cannot guarantee rational behavior on my part. I leave you now with the iconic words of Ke$ha. Yes I did say Ke$ha and she wrote them all by herself and everything:

Every single night we fight,
To get a little high on life.
To get a little something right, something real.
At least we try. Time after time.
Try dodging all the douche bags guys.
Try trading all the wasted times.
For something real, in this crazy life.

i was just thinking, lots of people have ugly babies right when they are born and the parents are always in denial and we always have to be like "oh he/she (sometimes literally) is so cute/pretty", but in nearly 90% of the cases babies have the “uglies” when they are born and turn out cute as hell, but alas, there is a dark side, the side we don’t like to mention, the "cutsies" the unfortunate ones, the adorable little babies, the ones who are reversed, they are cute as hell when born and just turn ugly, in nearly 90% of these cases when the child starts getting around the 7-8 month mark and growing out of the “cutsies” the parents realize what they have created and make a *bag baby, in most cases this is the best thing you can do, save your child the ridicule, embarrassment, beatings, and suffering of being alone their whole life, so please, please keep making “uglies” and if you have a “cutsie” pray to whichever deity you so choose that they stay a “cutsie”, we are also taking donations here at aegrussomnium.com to supply parents of “cutsies” with “cutsie packages” (pamphlets, grief counseling, materials), the packages are distributed by hospitals, directly at the maternity ward to the parents, any denomination is welcome, please make checks payable to the Bag-a-Cutsie Foundation, thank you

*bag baby – when a baby is placed in a burlap bag with a brick and tossed into a body of water

my face hurts and all i have is dark thoughts
the world is closing
all is gone
will it end
i pray to your gods
i finally see the light
it’s the glisten of a knife
the flick of a wrist
the kiss of the steel
all will be bliss
you tell me to wait
plead to still the blade
time and time
caving to your desire
tossed over your shoulder
carried like your cross
your burden is shortening
as my life trickles out
my life’s trail of rust
screaming your endurance