by yours truly

“That happy-go-lucky R.E.M. ditty "Everybody Hurts" took home four awards, including Moonmen for Breakthrough Video and Best Director. While the band attempted to accept the latter trophy, Nathaniel Hornblower (aka Adam Yauch of the Beastie Boys) stormed the stage proclaiming Spike Jonze should have won for directing the Beasties’ "Sabotage." In addition to screaming, "This is an outrage! This is a farce," he also claimed that he had the original idea for Star Wars.”

Today I decided to look at all the winners of the 2009 VMA’s and to my surprise what was on the list, none other then Sabotage, “Best Video (That Should Have Won A Moonman): ‘Beastie Boys – Sabotage’ .“ Just seems a bit coincidental to me that the night Kanye pulls a move just like Adam Yauch of the the Beastie boys does that the Sabotage video wins. Almost like while they were planning it they remembered the Sabotage incident and said hey, lets give that an award as well. But hey, it could just be me.

last night was dorkfest and i had some friends over for the event, wouldn’t be dorkfest without company now would it, now the woman bought us some beverages and some snacks, for the snacks i asked her to snag a big bag of nacho doritos, she opted for cool ranch because thats what she prefers and we should have what she wants even if she’s not eating them, right?….. right??, ayways thats when i made the ill fated comment and stated to all who would listen that i’d have preferred the nacho variety as opposed to this ranch she brought home and from that moment on i was cursed, it was only a matter of time until i would feel the wrath of Inigo Montoya Dorito Sanchez Jr. the 3rd, very little is known of Inigo Montoya Dorito Sanchez Jr. the 3rd yet I felt it was necessary to dig into his sordid past and let all know of Inigo Montoya Dorito Sanchez Jr. the 3rd, for Inigo Montoya Dorito Sanchez Jr. the 3rd was the one and only Inigo Montoya Dorito Sanchez Jr. the 3rd and should be known to all, this all takes place centuries ago in 1966, you see Inigo Montoya Dorito Sanchez Jr. the 3rd was a devout cheese eater, he ate straight up bricks of cheese day in and day out, along with the occasional jalapeno and of course he washed it all down with tequila, many times people would offer him different varities of food which he would raise his nose two, on one occasion a mexican peasent came before him and offered him a meager hand full of broken tortilla shells, Inigo Montoya Dorito Sanchez Jr. the 3rd rudely turned his back to the peasent and scoffed the loudest, rudest of scoffs he could manage, the scoff had so much force that it caused a fart to squeeze out, due to his steady diet of cheese this cloud of methane was heavily laden with a fine cheese mist which coated the peasents hands and the tortilla shells within, the peasent ran off thoughly embarrased at this and all he had left to show for it was a soiled dinner and orange hands, and being a peasent he couldn’t just throw away this meal because it may be his only for that whole month, at first he was apprehensive about eating the soiled tortillas but after long delayed nibble he was delighted by a flavor explosion in his mouth, soon he finished off all the chips and went forth with the knowledge of how to create such an exquisite delicacy, as can be expected Inigo Montoya Dorito Sanchez Jr. the 3rd was pissed and swore a curse on the peasent, from that day forth no matter how much the now rich non peasent wiped his hands he always had a cheesy coating on his fingertips, from that day forth each bag of doritos carries with it the curse of Inigo Montoya Dorito Sanchez Jr. the 3rd, so be wary when endulging in such a treat, and to insult them brings the curse that much faster, ou may be asking, why mr. halo sir, why would he curse us for cursing the product that he created and was uncredited for, because he’s fucking angry, thats why

enough of the history lesson, back on topic, today i experienced this curse first hand, i was hungry this morning and passed by the bag of ranch doritos, being unaware of such a curse i was enjoying eating them when it happend, the curse struck me completely unaware, as i bit down onto a small portion of chips i hit something hard which cause my tooth to break, and a molar at that, of course i got angry at this very unfortunate turn of events, something so pleasent going oh so wrong in the small time it took to get a few chews, now first thing i did was i began looking for dentist to fix my broken appendage, are teeth appendages?, anyways this was becoming very troublesome, and while in mid call i see my daughter jump from the couch to the coffe table, she’s been warned many times not to behave in such a primitive way, but today she learned the hard way, she was taught a lesson, as was i, at the hands of Inigo Montoya Dorito Sanchez Jr. the 3rd, she landed right atop the chip back which slid out from under he foot with what can only be considered a gleeful crunching noise, and she landed hard, now two of us in one day, this was becoming a very bad day in a very short time, while researching i came upon the curse and all was known, but my tooth was still broken

now i needed to fix my tooth, so here’s a nice home dentistry lesson for all, and it requires the most minimal or tools, here’s what you will need:

1 broken tooth

1 metal file

1 small flashlight
1 mirror
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
moderate intelligence
(very important)

now keep in mind, this isn’t massive dental work, i just it to get me through til i can see a real dentist, but the tooth was sharp and cutting my tongue, basically this is simple, you need to clean the file nice and good, no need and using a dirty one, unless your really really manly, and the small flashlight is just so you can see, so if you have lights above your mirror then that works as well, i used a led flashlight, basically just locate your tooth and fucking file away til it’s not all sharp and jagged, isn’t that great, a nice big build up and needed items for one simple step, also i’d recomend doing a good brushing afterwards just to clean away and of the filings

now any normal person wouldn’t get close enough to that to see what they are really like, me on the other hand, something about those seductive eyes makes me want to lick the salt from them… ignore that, anyways, he’s a perfect example of appearance making a big difference, now back to dog, so he’s a great bounty hunter and got awarded for helping remove “ice” from the streets, that part confused me, he’s a bounty hunter, can only remove people that jump bail, so technically he’s not doing anything other then his job, just so happens that everyone he’s after is breaking bond by doing drugs, what luck, unless he does other shit they don’t air, but i see him more of going home, grabbing a beer and getting the crimping on his mullet perfect for the next day of filming, again, i get off track a bit, my reason for this writing is what bothers me about him and that is his white trash look, i’m sure he has money, succesful bail bonds service and a succesful television show, yet he still looks identical to how he used to, his general appearance is a vest, no shirt, cowboy boots, a pompadour mullet, and feathers or shells hanging from his hair, here be some pics for those who don’t know him

look at that fucking majestic mullet, words can barely describe its beauty, the length, the crimped look in a lot of cases, thats stuff can only be maintained with careful nurturing and compassion, and that pompadour looks simply dangerous, its comes to a fucking spike, can you imagine being hunted down by dog and as your hiding one of the first things you see as he rounds the corner is that spike, it foreshadows doom and strikes fear into bail jumpers hearts, as for his appearal, the vest could do better with a shirt, no need to show thats saggy leasthery man boobs to the world, the boots need to go, he mentioned in one episode how he can’t really run in them, wow, smart idea, chasing criminals in boots you can’t run in, then he always has these hair decorations hanging from his hair, not sure what they are, kinda remind me of some indian style, which tends to match some of his jackets, again, don’t know what thats about, he supposed to be part indian or something?, i think he needs a new look, like, spiked hair, combat cargo pants, black of course, combat boots/docs, some kind of shirt, anything please, and one of those swat vests, then he’d look the part he portrays, the way he is now i can just picture being chased by him, you hear him scream your name, drop your crack pipe and take off fucking running, sweat pouring down your face as your heart pounds through your chest, you know that being caught will mean going back to jail and you can’t do that again, you look over your shoulder to see how close they are and you see it, you see him, dog, chasing you down, slowly, he’s trying to run your down in heeled boots and isn’t doing such a good job, then you almost stumble as you chickle slightly seeing the bright hawain shirt, nearly as bright as the setting sun behind it, then you lose all control as you see the mullet billowing out blocking out the son behind him, bam, the distraction worked, his sons tackle you from the side and you get a face full of mace, yet the tears you cry are of joy for being one of the few to see the majestic mullet in full flowing glory… you know, maybe he should keep the style, seem’s like it would work rather well, great distraction method, i also strongly believe his wife should have a massive breast reduction, it’s to the pount of being grotesque, i’m surprised she even has the ability to walk and isn’t all hunched over with back problems, i wonder if the seats in the cars they drive had to be custom made to allow her to fit , ok, i’m bored now