Ægrus Somnium

so damaged and i were out in the woods on some trail near a swamp in a town that smelled like human feces, like the whole fucking town, it was wretched, these people need to learn of toilets and stop shitting in their yards, anyways, as we were going through the woods we heard some odd noises, one being the atari bird, no idea what kind of bird it was but the sound it made sounded like an old atari games audio, very odd, and of course we heard the typical forest sounds which at first we confused for common woodland creatures til we listened closely and realized it was the sound of burt reynolds stalking through the undergrowth, we spent quite a bit of the walk out trying to decipher the fact from the urban legends that are Burt Reynolds and the following article, straight from our conversation was typed up by damaged who has a better memory then myself, this article is to the best of our knowledge the most comprehensive list of facts to date:

“Have you ever been alone? Not alone in an emotional sense. But alone. All by yourself, trekking through the woods. You hear nothing but the birds, the crickets, other animals making noise here and there around you. Every now and then it gets silent. Nothing. Not even the wind. You get that feeling…

You feel eyes staring you down. The thought of another person there with you. You feel you have company, yet you’re all alone. You feel them watching, waiting. Waiting for you to let your guard down. Waiting to ambush you, deep in the woods, where no one can hear you. You think to yourself, “That’s nonsense. I’m fine out here”. You take a look over your shoulder. “There’s no one here but me. There’s nothing to be afraid of”.

Or so you think, until you hear it…

Dueling Banjos.

This is…

The Legend of Burt Reynolds

Chapter 1: The Beginning

It’s rumored that it all began about half a decade ago, when local residents of Berlin NY started reporting the sound of Dueling Banjos around the same time period as numerous disappearances. The locals believed these people to not just be missing, but to of been murdered, though bodies have never been found. No one really knows what happens when he catches you. Anyone who’s ever run into him has not come back to tell the tale.

Clearly, I speak of the one and only Burt Reynolds.

Little is known about Burt’s past, but here are some facts about the true beginning. The beginning of the end, for anyone unfortunate enough to be caught wondering the woods at night.

Now, Burt Reynolds was born in 1945, and upon his birth ended World War II with his very presence. His parents are unknown, though because he was born fully grown it is believed his father was the demi-god Ronnie James Dio.

Burt Reynolds started his film career in 1955. He starred in many movies that, at the time were deemed too violent for cinema and were discarded. Remakes of them have since been filmed with a new cast. You may have seen numerous remakes of his movies such as Commando, First Blood, The Terminator, Deliverance, Predator, and Dawn of the Dead.

After years of trying to tone down his violent roles, he finally accomplished moving on to movies and Television that made it on air. Little did most people know he hated these roles, and only did it for the money. Behind Burt’s mustache, a storm was brewing.

He followed this career for years before disappearing without a trace. Little was known at the time about his location, and it remained this way for years. Until one night, a man from Berlin NY met his fate at the hands of Burt Reynolds. One by one, others began disappearing.

Chapter 2: What you need to know to survive (longer than you normally would)

Burt Reynolds is more than a myth, he’s a legend. A god, if you will. Knowing this, one could not expect to survive an encounter. However with this information you could prolong your life.

Burt waits for you. He watches you, eyeballs you from the forest. The rustle of leaves. The waves on the swamp water. It’s all his subtle movements, disguised as natures critters. He plans the perfect time to strike.

Burt hunts you much like a velociraptor. You hear a noise, you peek into the bushes and see nothing. You breathe a sigh of relief and turn to your left, only to see him staring back at you. Inches away, smiling like the Cheshire Cat under his mustache. Frozen, you hear it. The opening to dueling banjos as you make eye contact. You turn and run, and the song kicks in full. The chase has begun.

Burt smothers his body with vaseline before hunting. He chases you, slathered in it, slipping in between tree trunks and branches gaining on you little by little. He leaps over hills and trees like an Olympic runner, slinging vaseline at your feet trying to slip you up. By now, if you’ve made it past the vaseline trap, you feel like you’ve got a good chance. That’s what you think, until you hear the slapping.

The slapping is deafening, getting louder and louder, and right when you think it’s on top of you… a tree root trips you up! Laying on the ground, accepting defeat, you stare up as Burt stands over you, bruises all over his chest and thighs from his dangling manparts slapping himself with sonic force as he gives chase. Most never get past this stage. This is the end of the line.

(Note: It is rumored that Burt cannot leave the forest. Should you see the edge of the forest, run for it. If you make it, it’s said that you can look back and see Burt smiling at you, pounding on his invisible prison like a mime in heat.)

However, some rumor that there is a trick in slowing Burt down. No one is quite sure what it is, but it forces Burt to rely on his ultimate pursuit force…

Chapter 3: The Nautical Lobster

If you manage to escape Burts grasp initially, you may wear him down enough to lose him in the woods. Don’t think you’re safe yet, as he has one more trick up his sleeve.

The Nautical Lobster is Burt’s trusty steed. Only once has this ever been captured on film. Below is video proof of the existance of this magical beast:

As you can see, it hovers off the ground, enabling travel at speeds far beyond that of a Lexus. FACT: George Lucas’s Star Wars Episode 1 used Burt’s Lobster as an inspiration for their “Pod Racers”. Atop his lobster he can smash through the forest unhindered, clipping trees down with it’s claws as his member slaps it’s crustatious back. Should he come to an obstacle blocking the movement of his lobster, or if you manage to get distance between you and good ol’ Burt, he slams on the breaks of his Lobster. This acts like a catapult, as his vaselined body slides off the lobster smooth as silk, still in the seated position, taking a new mount: YOU.

The wrap up:

What happens after is anyone’s guess. Does he eat you? Rape you? Feed you to his unicorns? No one quite knows his wicked ways. All we know is that if you get caught, you’re never coming back.”

be afraid of the darkness within the woods, be very afraid, and isn’t that footage amazing, got that on my HD camera, barely got any of the footage back, when we arrived at the edge of the forest the cam was knocked to the ground and covered in vaseline, the lens was shattered having been violated by Burt, for safety reasons I was forced to edit out the background and the poor victim whom he pursued